Exposing my Deep Dark Roots: Why I'm a Blonde No More

I like to think of myself as low maintenance. As a matter of fact, I'll admit that I like for other people to think of me as low maintenance. Whether this is true or not, well, Nathan is probably the best judge. 

Its not that being blonde is truly *that* high maintenance. I mean, with the 'Ombre' look still rocking on strong its easier now than ever for us natural brunettes to put off touch-ups for months at a time, which if you have seen me anytime in the past nine months, I have clearly embraced that lenient (or lazy?) approach wholeheartedly. 

Election night 2016. (I complimented a friend once on her Ombre look and she told me she called it the "I'm Broke" haha!) 

The part that I found to be hard to maintain was the aftermath of exposing my baby fine strands to  such harsh chemicals. I should mention that this piece is in no way a criticism of you luscious blondes. Its quite to the contrary! Clearly I love the look and especially so on women (and men) who have been born with the genetics to either produce your own light color or support the lightening with out much damage. This is simply my journey and one that I have happily put to an end. 

Here comes the cliche: (first of all I'm already embarrassed to be blogging about my hair! But you asked.. and quite unfortunately a revisionist history post on Whitman's Sexuality in the Modern Landscape just doesn't seem suitable for the blog just yet. *Cry face* We'll get there.)  I'm naturally a medium brown brunette and have been coloring my hair for as long as I can remember. Right around the 7th grade when my best friend Jamie and I realized that our glue on nails were ruining our fingers, it dawned on me "hey let me ruin my hair too!" 

Hello 7th grade! Dayyum girl. 

I started off slow with the glorious product that is 'Sun In'. Being beach girls, my group of high school friends pretty much lived in a cloud of that stuff.

A few of us then experimented with the terrible 2003 look where you would highlight ONLY the top half of your head and dye the bottom dark. Yuck. In about 11th grade after coming to my senses and dying it very dark, I then decided to brighten up the whole thing once again. Since I'm an all-or-nothing-kinda-gal that soon escalated into a full head of bleach (The Girls Next Door was big then. Blame society. Not me!) 

I did the bobble head barbie thing through my first year of college. That's when I experienced my first true "chemical cut". The hairdresser I was seeing near my school in New Haven, CT gave me this sweet look after overlapping some bleach, causing half of my hair to snap off. Cute! 

Through years of working with better stylists I maintained a still-blonde yet, more natural look before recently deciding to let my roots grow out a bit. About a month ago my wonderful colorist matched the rest of my hair to that color. Despite now realizing that the blonde had been drowning out some grays, I am thrilled to be back to my brunette ways. Truth be told, it suits my personality better. 

Back in the beginning of this journey of going light, I can remember my motives clearly. I was a young cheerleader who knew how the world responded to people with blonde hair. Blondes are seen as youthful, bubbly and happy. Those were not always characteristics of my personality but as I entered into adulthood, I knew that wanted to be seen in those ways. 

In reality, while athletic, fun-loving and generally happy, I have always valued intellect above the superficial. I grew up stashing away books of poetry to read and annotate. I fell in love with nature early with an endless fascination of all things in it. I was a smart young woman who, at times, felt crushed by the somber realities of the world that we live in. By having my hair blonde, I muted that side of myself. The very stupid "dumb blonde" stereotype helped to astonish people when I opened my mouth and let out something of value. Its a terrible misconception that women born with light hair are forced to combat throughout their lives, and thinking back, I shamefully sought that reception out on purpose. 

To me, if my hair was as dark as what I was actually born with then the dark moments of myself would be easier for people to pick up on. I didn't want that. 

Well guess what - I grew up a little more and the need for a mask just melted away. 

For me, being blonde was a crutch. With that light hair came a lot of easy attention. I am still not exactly sure why that is the case but I will say that men who "only date blondes" are just about as creepy as the ones who "only date Asians" or commit to the various other kinds of genre objectification. Once I realized this, that attention I was getting because of my hair color became less and less desirable. (Not to say that some men don't prefer other looks, but these two examples feel very pronounced). 

Here's the bottom line:  if dying your hair helps you represent your true self to the world, then rock on with it, Mama! For me, I was doing the opposite. And don't think this all means that I will not be hanging out with my favorite colorist soon enough. These grays will need a little help going away and quite sadly my unwillingness to let those shine might mean... that I'm not actually *that* low maintenance after all.